When A Bum Is Not A Bum

I was thinking a lot of Jesus over the days since Christmas Day. I spent some time meditating on the long relationship we have had and how much He has changed me over the decades since my conversion. I have been blessed so much to be held in the palm of His hand and I thank Him for this every single day. I would not be here today if it were not for this fact. 

There have been a number of instances where an unseen hand has had a profound impact on my life. I would like to recount an event that profoundly impacted my faith. I was with a friend out shooting some street photography. This was back in the 90s with actual film cameras. We stopped at the Sacred Heart co cathedral in Houston because I wanted to get some shots of the stained glass windows. The church was locked up so we headed to the rectory to find out when it opened. We went looking for the rectory or office to see when and how we might get access to the church to shoot our photos.There was an area we believed that was where we needed to go but it was locked away behind security bars. We took the stairs up to the “gate” in the bars and noticed that just inside of the bars there was a bench against the wall. A bum was sitting there reading a bible that was filled with little bits of paper with notes scrawled on them.

The old Sacred Heart Co-Cathedral in Houston TX. Photo from Wikipedia.

He was in his own world. I quietly called out to him and he got up and shuffled slowly to the bars between us. He had a hideous scar across his forehead that ran across the bridge of his nose. His eyes were both missing, just fleshed over empty sockets. Apparently he had an incredible accident at some time in his life. I looked away and then felt sheepish for doing so as he could not see me. Looking at the old injury I wondered how he could have survived. He had an old jacket that might have been a military jacket but to be honest it was so tattered and dirty it was kind of hard to tell. His hair was long and matted and quite dirty. All his clothes were suitable for nothing more than rags and his skin was weathered and scarred.  The flannel shirt he was wearing had a pattern almost obscured by grime. When he got to the bars that were between us he looked up, and extended his hand, which I instinctively took without even thinking about it. “We have waited so long for you” he said softly.

He looked up at me and he had the bluest eyes I have ever seen in my life. My friend gasped. It was still the same man but his face was radiant and so beautiful. I knew instantly that my friend and I were looking upon the face of our Savior. There was no indication he had ever been injured.  Then, he matter-of-factly gave us the hours the church would open. We stood there stunned for a moment and were at a complete loss for words. When the “bum” turned to shuffle back to his bench I turned to my friend who was already racing to his car. When we left I asked him if he saw that the bum was blind and had no eyes and he confirmed that is what he saw as well. I then asked him if he saw what happened to his eyes and he said yes, they were blue. Shaken we did not talk about the incident for the remainder of the trip. We knew we had experienced a miracle. We did return to take photos I believe but they have been lost to time.

Recently I noticed an interview on Shawn Ryan’s YouTube channel with Sheriff Mark Lamb where he recounts an encounter with our Blessed Lord that is very similar to my own several decades ago. You can check that video out here. Really grateful to Shawn for that interview.

I do not pretend to have all the answers. I am but a sparrow in his hand and I am thankful for the rest there.

Sketching Your Life Away

Had a great conversation with a fellow designer and artist who has incredible talent. We were talking about the regular discipline of drawing and how important that is to an artist. One of the things that I have seen recently is how social media is setting expectations for young or new artists. Often there are these artists that are showing flip-thrus of incredible sketchbooks where every single page looks like it could be framed and put in a gallery. This can really intimidate someone, especially if they are new to creating art. The reality is that these artists that are showing such sketchbooks are not actually showing a SKETCHbook. They are showing you a FLEXbook. A sketchbook is a sandbox for an artist to play, to think, to experiment and to capture ideas. They are often messy. Often personal. Often full of seemingly mindless notes.

A sketchbook is a sandbox for an artist to play, to think, to experiment and to capture ideas.

Flexbooks are great and if you see the black and white ink drawings on this site you will see many pages from my own “flexbook” That is the one I keep in my bag when I am at the coffee shop or some place like that and someone wants to see my sketchbook. I do not hand them the one in the little video above, I hand them the Flexbook from my bag. One is for me, one is for the world.

In a Flexbook an artist really plays to their strengths. That is why every page is awesome. It seems as if they never make mistakes, never have bad ideas or never have bad drawing days. The truth is that Flexbook is NOT a place they are growing, experimenting or thinking through a project. That is all found in a SKETCHbook and artists may not show you those.

As an artist think about having two sketchbooks. One for showing off your skills and another for all the thinking, note taking, experimenting and true sketching. Both will serve you in your growth as an artist. A Flexbook will give you the ability to share your skills with others without having to give away all the wonderful secrets of your sketchbook.

Did You Know I Am Also A Podcaster?

Yep, it is true. Jeff Syblik is my co-host for a podcast all about creativity titled Brush With Creativity

Jeff and I are gearing up to launch our second season just after Thanksgiving so make sure you go to Apple Podcasts, Pocketcasts, Spotify or wherever you prefer to get podcasts!.

If you are a creative working in the arts, writing, music and so-on reach out, we would love to see your work and maybe chat with you.

Tis the Season for Spooky Flicks

Since I was a kid I have dearly loved the genre of horror in both film and literature so it was natural that I jumped on the chance to create some little still life arrangements to shoot some very cool toy photography of that most iconic of horror monsters.

The night comes on quickly and death looms on the horizon…

Does death come for you in neon?

Gen X Nostalgia

It was an EPIC show…

As a Gen X punk i look back with great nostalgia on my youth and all the wonderful music and punk rock culture that went along with it. While I was pretty conservative in my personal appearance the music was always on the boom box, always loud and quite unapologetic.

I spent hours as a kid learning to draw from album covers. That is the traditional vinyl kids. I also drew constantly from my favorite comics. Spiderman was huge for me as a kid and it was such a big thing for me to be able to see all four of my daughters and both of my sons get into comics. Interestingly most of my daughters are the biggest Spiderman fans and they are the ones who got me back into the stories and the fantastic animated movies Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse 2018 , Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse 2023 and we eagerly await Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse (maybe in 2027?).

Boom!

Shots Notes:

Canon EOS R5
RF 24-105mm F4 lens
50mm
1/60 shutter
f4.0
ISO 200

The Fourth Watch

Psalm 59:16 "But I will sing of Thy power, yea, I will sing aloud of Thy mercy in the morning; for Thou hast been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble".
All photos on this site and in this article are copyright protected by photographer Tobin Pilotte

Morning Prayer

I have been waking at 4am every day of the week for many years. I believe that I started over a decade ago. This practice afforded me time to myself, while the world sleeps, so that I could spend my time in prayer and reflection.

These days this time from 4 to 6 in the morning gives me time for prayer and meditation before daily Mass. This practice in particular, combined with daily Mass has changed everything about my life and everything about me. It has brought me incredibly close to Christ and dramatically changed my relationship with Him. Recently I learned that many refer to this time of prayer as being the Fourth Watch. I did a little digging to understand better what exactly the Fourth Watch consists of and I thought I would share it with you here.

Fourth Watch

What is the Fourth Watch?

Early morning prayer for Christians has been around for as long as the scriptures have been around, and it is probably safe to say that God was calling man to early morning prayer from the very beginning of time. Many Christians throughout the centuries have extolled the virtues of early morning prayer and they have told of the great miracles and movements of God at this time. It has been known as the prayer of The Fourth Watch. The Fourth Watch is the time between 3 and 6am as defined by the Roman military (night) watch times. The Hebrew’s homeland was occupied by Rome. Before Rome occupied the area the Hebrews had a (night) watch divided into 3 periods of time. Over the course of the history of the Church people have noticed that God seems to work in a very profound and special way during the Fourth Watch. 

Its pretty safe to say that the average person did not have the hourly calculations that we have today with our modern timepieces and cellphones. However, we can rest assured that they understood when those hours just before dawn were. 

Psalm 119:147 "I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word". Some translations of this verse include "I was up before sunrise, crying for help, hoping for a word from you" "I rise before dawn and cry for help; I wait for Your words"

Is the Fourth Watch Biblical?

In sacred scripture we can see many examples of God moving in the lives of people in the Fourth Watch period of time:

• We recall that Jacob wrestled with God and met Him face to face just before entering into his destiny as Israel. The man then said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob said, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”  Genesis 32:22-31 At this time Jacob is both wounded and blessed by God’s holy angel. “For you have shown your strength against God and men and have prevailed.”

• Moses led the Israelites across the Red Sea. “But during the watch just before dawn, the LORD looked down from a column of fiery cloud upon the Egyptian army and threw it into a panic.” Exodus 24

• After Jesus feeds the multitudes with bread and fish his apostles go before him toto cross the waters in a boat which as we recall was caught up in a storm. ”24 But the boat in the midst of the sea was tossed with the waves: for the wind was contrary. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night, he came to them walking upon the sea. 26 And they seeing him walk upon the sea, were troubled, saying: It is an apparition. And they cried out for fear. Matthew 14:25-26

• When Jesus reveals his resurrection from the dead it is at dawn. “1 And in the end of the sabbath, when it began to dawn towards the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalen and the other Mary, to see the sepulchre. 2 And behold there was a great earthquake. For an angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and coming, rolled back the stone, and sat upon it. 3 And his countenance was as lightning, and his raiment as snow.” Matthew 28: 1-3

Jesus warns of the importance of apprehending the purposes of God in prayer/worship during these hours in Luke 12:35-40:"Let your waist be girded and your lamps burning; and you yourselves be like men who wait for their master, when he will return from the wedding, that when he comes and knocks they may open to him immediately. Blessed are those servants whom the master, when he comes, will find watching. Assuredly, I say to you that he will gird himself and have them sit down to eat, and will come and serve them. And if he should come in the second watch, or come in the third watch, and find them so, blessed are those servants. But know this, that if the master of the house had known what hour the thief would come, he would have watched and not allowed his house to be broken into. Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.” (Jewish third watch which is the fourth watch for Romans) 

One might say that to pray in the Fourth Watch is to be prepared, to be watching and to be alert to the new day and the movements of the Lord. 

Several passages in both the Old and New Testaments reference the early morning or pre-dawn hours. Here are some significant examples:

The "fourth watch" is a term that originates from the Roman division of the night into four watches, each lasting about three hours. The fourth watch occurs between 3:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m. While the term "fourth watch" itself is not explicitly used in the Catholic Bible, certain passages refer to events that take place during this time frame. Here are some examples of where sacred scripture clearly shows God moving during the fourth watch. Even Our Blessed Lord prayed in this manner; "And in the morning, a great while before day, he rose and went out to a lonely place, and there he prayed.” Mark 1:35

To pray in the morning is to keep watch as the Psalmist says "O Lord, in the morning thou dost hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for thee, and watch.” Psalm 5:3 (RSV-CE) And again in Psalm 63:1 "O God, thou art my God, I seek thee, my soul thirsts for thee; my flesh faints for thee, as in a dry and weary land where no water is.” (Note: The phrase "I seek thee" is often understood to imply an early morning or earnest seeking of God).

From the book of Lamentations 3:22-32 we read: ”The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.” In this we understand that God’s mercy and renewal is upon us with each new day and we can experience that from the rising of the sun and on through the day. 

In Isiah the Lord wakes Isaiah in the morning and gives to him divine instruction. "The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him that is weary. Morning by morning he wakens, he wakens my ear to hear as those who are taught.” Isaiah 50:4 (RSV-CE)

Abraham would wake early, at dawn, to seek out the Lord and go to the place where he interceded for Sodom and Gomorrah. “27 And Abraham got up early in the morning and in the place where he had stood before with the Lord” Genesis 19:27 Abraham would also rise early to follow the Lord’s instructions when he was asked to sacrifice Isaac. "So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac; and he cut the wood for the burnt offering, and arose and went to the place of which God had told him.” Genesis 22:3 (RSV-CE)

The Lord moves Moses to encounter Him on Mount Sinai early in the morning. "So Moses cut two tables of stone like the first; and he rose early in the morning and went up on Mount Sinai, as the Lord had commanded him, and took in his hand two tables of stone.” Exodus 34:4 (RSV-CE) 

“On the morning of the journey to Bologna, the Saint had awoken feeling so ill that she could not sit upright on her own…”

What have the Saints said about the Fourth Watch?

Early morning, Fourth Watch, prayer is not only referenced by Christians in holy scripture but it is discussed by a multitude of saints. 

Saint Anthony the Great who lived in the third century was a monk from Egypt who lived as a hermit and is one of the earliest Desert Fathers and is known for founding organized monasticism in Christianity. "At dawn the monks should rise to pray, and let each one say by himself the Psalms appointed for him.” - Athanasius, Life of Antony, Chapter 37.

The 5th century Saint Benedict of Nursia wasn’t another father of western monasticism establishing The Rule of St. Benedict that would become the rule for many monks and nuns to this day. "The brethren should rise at the eighth hour of the night to sing the Divine Office.” - The Rule of Saint Benedict, Chapter 16.

Saint John Cassian, a 4th century theologian and monk, was a mystic who also brought monasticism to the west. “As soon as the morning bell for the hour of Vigils is rung, the brethren should rise without delay.” John Cassian, The Conferences, Conference 10.

The 6th century Gregory the Great said "Let the monks rise before dawn to sing praises to their Creator, in order to drive away the darkness of the night with the light of prayer.” Pope Gregory I, Pastoral Care, Book 3, Chapter 28. He was Pope Gregory I and is widely known for instituting the first recorded large-scale mission from Rome. This Gregorian mission went out to convert the pagan Anglo-Saxons to Christianity.

Saint Francis of Assisi is one of the most well known saints in the Catholic Church. He was a mystic, stigmatist and the founder of the Franciscans. "When he arose at dawn, he would go alone to pray, to the woods or to some secluded place.” The Little Flowers of Saint Francis, Chapter 18.

Saint Clare of Assisi was one of the first followers of St. Francis. She was so inspired by his teachings that she was moved to the religious life and eventually founded the Order of Poor Ladies (AKA Poor Clares) which is a monastic religious order for women in the Franciscan tradition of monasticism. She said "Let us rise in the night to praise the Lord in the silence of the morning.” The Testament of Saint Clare, Chapter 3.

The 16th century mystic and doctor of the Church Saint Teresa of Avila wrote extensively on the live of prayer and was one of many Church Doctors who wrote on the power of mental prayer.  She said "Early in the morning, rise and pray, and commend yourself to God.” Saint Teresa of Ávila, The Way of Perfection, Chapter 26.

Saint John of the Cross extolled the virtues of prayer when the world sleeps "In the early hours of the morning, when the soul is still and the world is quiet, it is easier to hear the voice of God.” Saint John of the Cross, The Dark Night of the Soul, Book 2, Chapter 10

Saint Alphonsus Ligouri said "He who desires to live well must begin by rising early and dedicating the first moments of the day to God.” Saint Alphonsus Liguori, The Way of Salvation and Perfection, Chapter 1.  

“In everything we do, we should seek the honor of God and the salvation of souls.” Saint Catherine of Bologna, a 15th century Italian Poor Clare. She is an incorruptible saint and is the patron saint of artists and is sought out by any afflicted with temptations. She was a writer and a mystic. When she was sent to Bologna as abbess she became very ill early in the morning and could not even sit up. Her superior was convinced that she would die before arriving. En route she had to take a morning ferry to cross a waterway and suddenly was rejuvenated. St. Catherine arrived in Bologna to a cold reception but nonetheless spent three days in a zealous fervor tending to a great number of people. No-one could believe she had been sick. Miracles and healings occurred through her upon arrival in Bologna. Apparently her prayerful suffering in the early morning brought great power from God into her life and she shared that with many people not only upon her arrival but for the remainder of her life. 

Saint Thérèse of Lisieux said "I rise early every morning to speak to God in the silence of my heart.” Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, Story of a Soul, Chapter 8.

Catechism of the Catholic Church (1548). MIRACLE: A sign or wonder, such as a healing or the control of nature, which can only be attributed to divine power.

Fourth Watch Miracles in the Church?

For Catholics and indeed all Christians it is very clear that the Lord has set aside a special time to engage Him. Its a time for prayer, reflection, watching and dedication of your day and your life to His Holy Will. 

Over the course of centuries many of the great miracles that have been recorded, starting with our Lord’s resurrection, have occurred during the early morning hours. It is certain that from personal miracles to well known miracles there are entirely too many to list. Just a few such famous miracles include: 

The Miracle of the Sun (October 13, 1917) occurred in Fátima, Portugal. Our blessed Mother appeared to three shepherd children and foretold the miracle. Reports say that the miracle occurred after dawn around 11:30 a.m.This Miracle of the Sun is one of the most famous modern Catholic miracles recorded by the Church. It was witnessed by thousands, to include reporters. The sun appeared to dance in the sky and then plunge quickly to the earth before returning to it’s normal appearance and place in the sky. The heavy rains that night and morning stopped at the beginning of the miracle. While the miracle only lasted mere minutes the ground and the clothes of all who witnessed it were completely dry.

The Miracle of Lanciano, Italy occurred in the 8th century. While it is unclear as to the exact time it has been said that it occurred during the early hours of the morning, likely during the first Mass of the day. A priest who was struggling with doubt in the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist witnessed the consecrated host and wine physically transform into flesh and blood. The relics of this miracle have been preserved for veneration to this very day. They have been tested and found to be human blood and heart tissue.  

The Miracle of Saint Januarius' Blood occurs annually and has since the 4th Century when it began. In Naples Italy the faithful gather to witness the liquefaction of the blood of St. Januarius. This event occurs several times a year with a major event taking place at dawn of September 19th. The dried blood of St. Januarius is kept in a vial and during these special times of the miracle it will liquefy when it is brought near his relics. Those who live in and around Naples believe it is a sign of protection for their city. 

On December 12th 1531 Our Lady appeared to St. Juan Diego for a final apparition in a series of apparitions he had been receiving in the early mornings. During the final apparition the Blessed Mother instructed him to gather flowers on the hill of Tepeyac. It was winter and it was cold so there were no flowers typically there but Our Lady provided. St. Juan Diego gathered them up to present to the bishop as a proof, a sign, that he had requested in order to believe in the apparitions of Mary to St. Juan. To both of their surprise she left her image in a miraculous manner upon St. Juan’s tilma. This image on a cactus fiber tilma is still venerated today though it should have long ago disintegrated from age. It is considered one of the the most important miracles and symbols in the Americas and Mexico. 

The Miracle o the Holy Fire occurs annually on Holy Saturday at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem This Eastern Orthodox miracle of fire is significant for Roman Catholics as well. Near dawn the Patriarch of Jerusalem enters the Holy Sepulcher and emerges with a flame that is miraculously lit on its own. It is distributed to the faithful as a symbol of Our Blessed Lord’s resurrection. 

The longest running apparitions to multiple seers in the history of Catholicism has been occurring in Medugorje. On August 2, 1981 at dawn countless witnesses reported seeing the sun spin and emit brilliant colors while dancing in the sky. This miracle instantly recognizable as being of the same likeness to the Miracle of the Sun at Fatima helped the faithful to understand that Our Lady is indeed present and appearing in Medugorje. 

These miracles, occurring at or near dawn, have played a significant role in the faith and devotion of Roman Catholics throughout history, symbolizing new beginnings, divine intervention, and the enduring presence of the sacred in the world.

How to start the Fourth Watch?

If your desire is to have significant spiritual action from The Lord then this time of preparation, devotion, meditation and watching will likely give to you the divine encounter that you have been seeking.

When Our Lord said  ‘7 Ask, and it shall be given you: seek, and you shall find: knock, and it shall be opened to you. 8 For every one that asketh, receiveth: and he that seeketh, findeth: and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.’  Matthew 7:7-8 He spoke of His Spirit which would He would share with any who pursues Him. Seeking His Spirit at, or before dawn, will bring great miracles and transformation to your prayer life and your overall life in general. 

At this point you may be wondering just how to begin a Fourth Watch prayer and meditation session. The reality is that this is very simple and there really is no format. The only requirements are that you rise and begin to pray somewhere between 3:00am and 6:00 am. Many Catholics use the Lectio divina, which translates to "divine reading” for this time. Others read scripture. Some pray in the form of mental prayer which was taught and promoted by many of the Church Doctors. If all you do is sit for 30 minutes or more with the Lord and pour your heart out to him you are doing it. This time can be used for the Holy Rosary, the Seven Sorrows of Mary prayer devotion and many more. It is important to make this time your own and listen to the Spirit of God. Don’t just pray prayers, read readings or practice devotions because you feel you “should” but rather do those things you feel “inspired” by God to do. If you are unsure as to if something is inspired or not just ask yourself if that practice gives you peace. Does it draw you closer to Christ and can you in that practice listen to Him? If so, then you know what you should do. 

Ask and seek God’s Holy Will. Try to surrender your will to His during this time. Trusting in the Lord and surrendering to Him at this time will open your entire day, and your entire life, to His actions of love and mercy. Miracles will happen. 

Trickster

There seems to be something in the air each year about this time that makes me want to fill up a brand new sketchbook. I bought a leather bound hand-made-paper journal a while back for some photography and thought it was time to break it open and fill it up. I really wanted it to have a theme and I settled upon an entire sketchbook of psychopomps. 

“Listen to the whispers of the owl, for they carry ancient secrets of the night.” – Anonymous

Owls being psychopomps and me only having one page drawn in this wonderful book I figured I would tell you a little bit about my own owl experience that occured just last year.

“Quand le hibou chante, La nuit est silence”. ― Charles de Leusse

Of all the birds owls have become very near and dear to my heart. Largely due to my, all too infrequent, adventures photographing wildlife. In all my outdoor adventures I have actually seen very few of these wonderful creations. Each encounter is quite memorable.

This tricky owl came to me last year when I was out photographing flowers and trees along the San Antonio river. I was very frustrated that morning because all the locations I thought would be brilliantly lit by the sunrise just were not. All the locations I previously scouted were just not happening. I was ready to call it a morning and head back to the studio when I had the strangest sensation of being watched. It was a public area so the idea that I might stumble upon another person early on a Saturday morning was not impossible but this was something else. I had the profound sense of a presence that was not just watching me but one that was enveloping me. I felt that everywhere I looked in the brush or trees held a presence that was watching me. I became nervous as it felt as if the presence was drawing closer. I would liken it to the feeling of a large animal predator progressively circling in for the kill. For me, the prey, I was running out of places to run as it seemed the presence was closing in all around me. 

“Sometimes an owl is just an owl.” ― Mark Frost, The Secret History of Twin Peaks

I became aware of the lack of any birds or insects. It was completely silent, so much so I stepped on a fallen twig just to hear it break. I wanted to make sure I had not somehow suffered temporary deafness. Sure enough the twig snapped and I immediately jumped a little inside, the presence felt even closer now and it was communicating with me in some strange way that let me know it was amused. In my head I could hear laughter and to be clear the predator was laughing at me. 

I decided to drop my camera bag and tripod on the bank of the river and get a bit more serious about looking around. After all I might have to defend myself. As I frantically looked around I suddenly had the notion to look straight up. There just about 6 feet from my head was a beautiful barred owl. We locked gazes and instantly the sound of laughter in my head became even more intense. I could not help but to exhale a mighty sigh of relief that my predator was above me and clearly communicating how amused it was as it played with my senses. I pulled out my camera, sure it would fly off before I could get a shot in the dim light of the woods by the river. To my surprise the owl decided that I could take as many shots as I wanted. While the laughter in my head (thankfully) subsided I had a profound understanding enter into my head. I credit the owl but hey, who knows. 

“You will find what you want most when you stop looking for it and realize what you most want was always with you.” 

I could not help but chuckle a little at my good fortune and then another thought entered my head quite loudly. 

“And now you are stuck with me.”

Still trying to figure that one out. Though there are those pre-dawn writing sessions on my patio where I swear that owl is out there. Out there and laughing at me again as I peer into the darkness and see nothing. 

“In their previous lives, poets were bats, and thinkers were owls.” ― Michael Bassey Johnson, Song of a Nature Lover

Into the Darkness

Into the darkness…

It was 3:45am

I startled awake. 

I startled awake to someone calling my name. It was a sharp calling. It was a demanding and forceful “Get up now!” voice. 

I am listening. 

Tell me what you want.

Darkness was the only reply. I got up and went out into that darkness, the same darkness I feared as a child but that I have now fallen into a deep loving relationship with. 

It’s never dark enough anymore. 

I miss the deep darkness I used to know as a child. That darkness that has been driven away by so much light pollution. Mankind drove away the dark and the silence. How does he expect now to know the Divine? 

How does he expect to encounter his own… soul. 

“I am here waiting for you” 

I can see her, deep within that “other sight” 

She is beautiful and terrifying. She is familiar and inhuman. 

I see her standing in the deep and dark woods, cloaked in white and beckoning without a voice from her lips. Her white garments set against the darkness, deeper than it can exist in my world. There in her secret woods she beckoned me. She had something for me, perhaps a box of wisdom or a box of mystery. Perhaps a dagger for my very soul or beauty that would forever blind me. My mind wonders. 

“We have important things to share.”

I have only the urgency to find you and no course. No map. No series of instructions. Only the beckoning within me. 

And so it must be that I plot my course into the woods in search of a doorway to her that I may find the understanding I seek. The completion of this vision that haunts and compels me so. 

Its cold and the mist is thick. I grab my lantern and make my way down a small game path into the dark woods. 

There is a light breeze at the tree tops that causes them to whisper as they sway against the stars too numerous to imagine. The spotted white bark is less busy easy to see as the darkness folds in on me. The occasional owl watches me silently from above. I wonder what they are.

I look up and the stars…. oh the stars… once bright enough to light my way are now obscured almost entirely by the tree tops. 

I find myself stumbling in the dark landscape. Falling repeatedly to the rocky forest floor cutting my hands and knees. I think of his three falls to his knees on his journey up mt Calvary and I wonder if the dampness below my fingertips is his tears or his blood. This sacred space that I am both called to and guided through. I pray that I am not the intruder here. 

A breeze brushes my cheek, a dark caress to let me know I am welcome here. 

Its her, in the breeze. The cool air stings against my cuts and there is a deep coldness that aches deep within my bones. So much pain on this journey but she is in the trees and in the rocks beneath my feet. Her voice beckons me in the beating of my heart and the blood rushing in my eardrums. Somehow that is enough. 

“I am here waiting for you.” 

I hear her voice once again and I whisper “ I am coming, but it’s hard, I hurt so much.”

The cold flows through the marrow of my bones and every step is an act of determination cloaked in raw pain. I ask humbly for her patience with me as this world is both familiar and new to me. 

A knowing comes to me, a voice deep within and yet from a distant location. I know now to turn my lantern down and let the flame die out. I place the lantern on the ground shrouded in darkness and leave it behind. 

I am now surrounded by owls. They are calling to each other in secret sacred communications that are not for me. They are beyond me and yet in some strange way they comfort me.

I continue upon the rocky forested path into what is now a void of everything.  Deeper than shadow or night. Even the earth below my feet vanishes.

When was it that I stopped seeing even the trees? 

I wave my hand in front of my face and it too has vanished completely. In this darkness I have lost even my self. That body I have known since birth.  One step at a time I have become one with the darkness. Even the pain is more a memory than a feeling now.

“I am here waiting for you.” 

It has been hours, or decades maybe. Perhaps a lifetime. Kingdoms could have risen and now fallen as I move silently in this darkness pulled only by her voice. 

Am I even moving? 

Am I even I? 

The dark is all I know now, my own self is now a distant memory. 

Something shifts. 

I don’t look into the darkness as I have no eyes with which to see. Rather, I know in some other way that the dark is now fading. 

An explosion of something beyond color, sound or anything senses could comprehend moves through my faded being. A distant memory of me tumbles away and some new “I” is born from a chrysalis. 

I emerge into a new world. 

“You found me”. 

“I am here and you have found me”

A moment of time passes, or maybe we are beyond time now. 

A new world is now before me and I m no longer I. 

We are. 

We are.

We. 

Beyond that all words fail.

This is what now is. 

We.

Another World

Hope is praying for rain on a cloudy day, faith is praying for rain when it is sunny and dry…

Summers in South Texas can be pretty brutal. Driving my twenty year old Jeep Wrangler down the freeway on my commute home in the afternoon can be akin to driving through the heat from a blast furnace. But still, I tend to love the Jeep in it’s truest and most iconic form - no doors, no top. Back in June there was a slight chance of scattered thunderstorms in the forecast so I put on the bikini top that covers just the two front seats. It honestly does little good if it really rains, let alone storms. It does provide some strange false sense of protection though. While the day held hundred degree weather and clear skies I was a little taken aback when I got off work and pulled out of the parking garage into a much cooler and darker world. The sweet and earthy smell of rain was so strong and there was an energy not unlike static in the air. A storm had just passed over and it looked like I would be riding it’s coat tails as I headed east towards home. 

Today was a really good day. Flying down the freeway with cool wind and a light rain felt good. Ahead, the backside of the withdrawing storm was quite dark. Lightning lit the skies and I rejoiced inside with every explosion of light. We have needed the rain and I love few things more than a really good thunderstorm. A particularly bright bolt of lightning struck the middle of my frame of view and at that moment I became hyper aware of my surroundings. As the music echoed from my speakers I heard the song I had in rotation mix with the driving rain.

All because of you

I believe in angels

Not the kind with wings

No, not the kind with halos

The kind that bring you home

When home becomes a strange place

I'll follow your voice

All you have to do is shout it out

- The Good Left Undone by Rise Against

My old faithful Jeep

I continued to drive straight ahead, the bolt of lightning fading in an afterimage before me but as it did I was pulled from my Jeep. I was acutely aware of being in a strange landscape as I was pulled into another world. A barren desert landscape was before me and the freeway was now only a two lane road. Mesas dotted the horizon and a storm was parting over the road. There in the sky was an entity the like I have never seen before. A mirrored silver hovering oval above flowing robe like material. Something like wings the shape of diamonds covered in eyes flanked it’s shoulders. A ring of metal hovered in place around the silver head and above it was a silver sphere suspended in space. The entity, every bit of 400 to 500 feet in height hovered above the road ahead of me. I was filled with an intense sense of peace and a distinct message to paint this image and share it. It seemed I drove toward this entity for several minutes but I was acutely aware that I was also back in San Antonio, on the freeway driving eastbound and heading home. As the reality that I was literally in two completely different realities, both complete for all my senses, the desert landscape faded and I felt a gentle pull of my “self” back into my reality of my afternoon commute. 

I believe in angels

Not the kind with wings

No, not the kind with halos

That night I pulled out a wood panel and painted, as best as I could, the other reality that I was in. I want to say it was an angel I encountered. I want to say that it was somehow my own guardian but I honestly do not really fully understand what happened. 

As I painted my painting I thought a lot about the imprint on my mind, on my heart to paint and share this image. Because my nature is to never be able to leave things as they are I started researching what could have caused this altered state of consciousness, if indeed that is what I experienced. There is a huge part of me that wants to say that I had two distinct bodies, two distinctly different Jeeps driving in two completely different realities. This was not a vision that impacted my internal imagination. This was not a strictly visual experience. The sight, the sound of the distant thunder there was so vivid and real. The red dust in the air had a distinctive smell and taste. Just as I could smell the rain in San Antonio I could smell and taste the dust being whipped up in the wake of the storm of that other world. The red dirt, the metallic iron taste of the dust blowing through the cab of my other Jeep held me there in the firm knowledge this was not a dream. It was as real as any life experience I have ever had. I can’t shake it even now. 

Its been weeks and, as I said, I cannot leave it alone. I feel as if I was not transported into another place but rather duplicated into another place. It seemed to me I was conscious in both places. This I am sure would be a relief to anyone on the road with me that afternoon! Perhaps the me that stayed behind was just unconsciously driving my Jeep in much the same way we all do from time to time when we experience some sort of trance-like dissociation such as "highway hypnosis" or "white line fever”. These events can occur when someone drives home with little recollection of the journey. It is a form of dissociation where our minds enter a detached state while routine tasks are carried out.

5am walks or rucking adventures in my local parks are a normal start to my day many times a week.

As an artist I have had many experiences with this in a state of flow while drawing or painting. I had this happen much more often as a child on long walks or when I was drawing. This, however, was the first time I felt as if I was somehow bi-located between two different realities. Having said that, having conversations with “guests” who are sometimes visible to me and other times non corporeal is pretty common. It would be easy to chalk up to imagination except that the conversations generally cover things I am completely unaware of. Perhaps I should refer to them more as teachers than guests. In any event, these entities are sometimes very discernible while other times they tend to be disembodied intelligences of some kind or another. This occurs for me most often in a state of flow and most often either when I am in the studio, meditating or on long quiet walks alone in the early pre-dawn parks. This is a state where my conscious mind is no longer engaged in my work and I truly am somehow not doing the work but I am the work, I am the environment and I am interacting with these other entities. 

In my exploration I wondered if my experiences were nothing more than the byproduct of some kind of trance-like dissociation. The more I dove into the subject the more intrigued I became. It seems that as we delve into the world of trance-like dissociation we learn that “highway hypnosis” or “white line fever” is only one variation of this phenomenon. Trauma, stress, anxiety, emotional overload, sleep deprivation, repetitive activities, and substance abuse are also known triggers. These may be considered more the problematic or negative ways to enter this state or other altered states of consciousness. Interestingly enough there is research to back this up. Solid scientific research has shown that flow states, repetitive activities, lights, and even sound can get one into an altered state of consciousness. 

Drawing will often plunge me into a state of flow where anything can happen, to include, a strange and wonderful visitor or two.

While most of these do not involve hallucinations for most people there are exceptions. While I find this quite intriguing I also really firmly understand that this was not my experience. My experience was one of being present in two physical bodies in two wildly different realities. I should also mention that this is only one instance of many where I have experienced this. The profoundness of the instance though was more in how it has, for months now, continued to resonate with me. That figure, which I personally refer to as an angel, has left an indelible mark on my life. Did I bring it back with me? Did the experience open my understanding of it’s always having been with me?

Since the moment of that experience I continually feel, in a way I cannot easily explain, that this angel has not left my side. It is unseen but ever present. It is unseen but I sense, deeply, in its complete goodness. This goodness is of a depth that I cannot comprehend and that wraps me in a strange awareness of my existence that is more present. That cannot be all bad so, as I often tell “him” we are on a long strange drip together. Hope you are enjoying the ride. 

A Tragic Day

I feel compelled to add my small voice to the millions of voices that are expressing heart-felt sorrow for the victims and their families in Uvalde Texas. As a native Texan, once again, a mass shooting hits close to home. Once again. Seems like we trod this road so often now. 

I want to offer, as so many have, my love and my prayers to the victims and their families.

There are a lot of initial emotions I am feeling about this and a few that will last a very long time because you see, I am not just a resident of this state but I have raised six children here as well. That is six children who have, since they were in kindergarten, have attended public schools here in San Antonio. 

For about twenty one years now we have been dropping our kids off with a hug and a kiss and the words  “I love you, go do amazing things”.  We have watched them go do such amazing things but as parents there was always the shadow of dread that would gnaw at our minds. 

Since The Columbine shooting on April 20, 1999 there has been an escalating fear for parents who send their kids to school. Parents like us, here in America, rarely get a chance to drop our kids off at school and not wonder if today would be the day, if our kid’s school would be the school and if our kids would be the ones that would not come home because of the insane acts of a mass shooter. As a husband of a school teacher my fears for her safety were on my mind as well. Its always there in the back of your minds and on an increasing number of days its right there, at the front of your thoughts. 

Every

        single

      day

                       for 26 years now

The actor Matthew McConaughey posted today:

…”What is it we truly value? How do we repair the problem? What small sacrifices can we individually take today, to preserve a healthier and safer nation, state, and neighborhood tomorrow?”

Indeed, what indeed can we do? We must do something! I totally agree that we need to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves some profoundly deep questions. 

But for today, today let's just ask who we can love more. How we can love more. 

As a father, husband, veteran, Texan and American I have my thoughts on what things can be done. But now is not the time to share that. Now is a time for pouring as much love into our families and communities as possible. 

We can only combat the darkness and pain with love. It may sound trivial but one thing I know for sure is that the less you love the more trivial it sounds. 

Everything is New

I could make out in the distance a small yellow light and so I headed that way not sure what I would find. 

I was about eleven years old back in 1979. Our family lived in an older depression-era home in the middle of the block. It was a strange house that creaked and groaned often in the night. I remember one night when the house was creaking and groaning more than usual. I had a hard time falling asleep due to the groaning and creaking of the wood plank floors in my bedroom. I eventually fell asleep but woke up to the sound of an owl outside my open bedroom window. The room was pretty cold as there was a steady late fall breeze and my curtains were billowing about the walls and window sill. I could not see the owl but he must have been in the mulberry tree in the darkened corner of the back yard. I got out of my bed and crossed the cool wood plank floors to the window and went to pull it closed but I paused when I saw lights in the darkness of the tree branches. Little tiny glittering lights that would be easy to miss if I had not been peering into the darkness trying to find the source of the owl hooting. 

I decided to investigate. I put on a pair of old battered sneakers and crawled out the window and into the back yard. There was already a heavy dew and before I got to the base of the mulberry tree and I could feel the water seeping into parts of my sneakers. The mulberry tree was in a dark corner of the yard which seemed darker than usual. I stood in the darkness looking up into the branches of the tree trying to see the owl but he had stopped hooting. The clouds were low and I noticed that there was a fog rolling in. Most of the little lights had disappeared but one blue light came down from the branches. It was no bigger than a fire fly but it was clearly not an insect of any kind. It looked like a little blue star and moved smoothly around the back side of the tree and into the darkness. I walked around to the back side of the tree where I should have run into the wood fence that surrounded the back yard but there was no fence. I could just make out the little light moving away from me into a deep and dark forest. 

I followed it. 

Part of me wondered how this was possible in the middle of a neighborhood full of houses. Part of me wondered why I was not frightened. I felt a little nervous but also very light headed. I set out in pursuit of the little blue light and I walked for some time through the thick woods now filling with low hanging fog. I was becoming tired and my head was beginning to swim. The light had vanished and I was alone in the fog and the forest of old and barren trees. I could make out in the distance a small yellow light and so I headed that way not sure what I would find. 

“Help, I need help. Is anyone home?”

A small stone hut emerged from the fog. It was old and there were animal skulls on the stone walls by the wooden door. Something about the hut seemed wrong. Something about everything seemed wrong and I started to panic. I was sure there was something with me in the fog now and it was not something I wanted to see. I could hear it moving, circling me just beyond view. I now understood that I had been in a daze for quite a while. I had no idea where I was or how I got there and I was starting to panic. The fog was getting much thicker and the air had turned quite cold. I quickly made my way to the door of the hut. A little round window in the old wooden door emanated a warm golden light. I knocked on the door and called out. 

“Help, I need help. Is anyone home?”

The door opened and an impossibly old man with the longest beard I had ever seen stood there smiling. He put his hand gently on my arm and motioned for me to come inside. I instantly calmed down and walked into the warm little cabin lit by a fireplace. The old man did not speak but just smiled as he shuffled over to a little table and offered me some bread. The bread was warm and a slight steam was coming off of it. I had never in my life smelled bread so fresh. I sat down across from the man who offered me a small metal mug that was steaming. He smiled and motioned for me to drink and I did. It was the most wonderful tasting tea I had ever been given. There was a hint of mulberry and a sweetness like honey. I became very light headed and somewhat giddy. The old man laughed. As he did his impossibly long beard brushed along the old wooden planks of the floor. 

His laugh was deep, ancient and musical. He rose up with the help of an ancient and twisted walking stick. He made his way to the fireplace and added another log. I was becoming so sleepy now that I laid my head down on the table and watched him. After placing the log on the fire I noticed that his shadow moved across the wall. I was so sleepy that I could hardly keep my eyes opened. I barely took notice that the shadow of the old man was moving but the old man was now seated in a rocking chair by the fire. The shadow was dancing and I somehow knew it was laughing though there was no sound. I watched as it made its way along the walls to the door, opened it, and left the hut. The old man laughed again a deep and musical laugh. I tried to wake myself lifting my head a few inches off the table and I could see, through the window of the door my own face. Someone who looked just like me was looking back at me from the porch. He smiled and laughed a deep melodic laugh as he turned and walked into the forest. 

The sun was streaming through the windows the next morning as I woke up back in my own bed. I got up and got dressed but I seemed to have lost my sneakers.  Against my closet door was an old twisted walking stick. I picked it up and tapped it twice on the floor and my old sneakers appeared. 

“Oh how I love a second chance”

Then I laughed a deep and melodic laugh and walked out of my house. 

I thought to myself “Everything is new today. Everything is new.” 

Hope you enjoy the little tale by yours truly. The photography is also mine as well as the little hut which I build from foam, cardboard and some balsa wood. I added in an enchanted forest from an old loquat tree we cut down in our yard. I do enjoy making these little dioramas but hope to get back to my new painting in the next week or so.

Let me know if you enjoyed the story, the photos or anything else.

Something Different This Way Comes

Every year, like most folks, I make resolutions or commitments. Success varies depending on many thing s but last year was a good year for me.

When you recognize you were born for this, everything changes